So...im kinda lost anymore...i live day by day...just wondering where time is going, and even more important, where i am going?  In a little over a year i should be graduated from college. i cant wait. so i guess my future is set..but what am i doing right now?  ive never been more unhappy with my life and the things going on in it...yet, i try harder than ever to not let those closest to me see the pain im really in.   i dont want them to see me in such a fragile state.  ive never wanted to be so alone, yet i dont feel comfortable being alone.  the fear that i will hurt myself again is too great.  ive been holding it all in, and well, im finally done with that...i cant take it anymore, i just needed to get it out...








          Adams Song
I Never Thought, I'd die alone,
I Laugh the Loudest, who'd have known,
I traced the cord back to the wall,
No wonder it was never plugged in at all.
I took my time, i hurried up
The choice was mine i didnt think enough.
I'm too depressed, to go on
You'll be sorry when i'm gone...

I never conquered, rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone I never thought I'd die alone

Another six months I'll be unknown
Give all my things to all my friends
You'll never step foot in my room again
You'll close it off, board it up
Remember the time that I spilled the cup
Of apple juice in the hall
Please tell mom this is not her fault

I never conquered, rarely came
Sixteen just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
We couldn't wait to get outside
The world was wide, too late to try
The tour was over we'd survived
I couldn't wait till I got home
To pass the time in my room alone

I never conquered, rarely came
But tomorrow holds such better days
Days when I can still feel alive
When I can't wait to get outside
The world is wide, the time goes by
The tour is over, I've survived
I can't wait till I get home
To pass the time in my room alone

so...yet another week gone by...another 5 days in the hospital...thanks to all the friends who were by my side...esp. Marshey.....and...the medicine ill be taking has some cracked up side effects..so...if u can all put up with me for these few weeks..thanks...haha...anyways..night everyone

Well...what a week...God def showed some love for me....on Monday...i felt deathly ill at work..and on the way home things got worse..after multiple times vomitting along the road...i got home and decided that i would go to the doctor Tuesday...well good thing i did...i went to the ER..after describing symptoms to the doctor..they did some blood work...a lil over an hour later they were pumping the first of two units of blood into me....they transferred me to Good Samaritan Hospital in Johnstown where by the nights end i got units 3 and 4 of the night...after a 3 day hospital excursion..i came home tonight with the knowledge that i have a stomach problem that can be fixed for now..and the knowing that if i had not gone to the hospital tuesday...i would have never lived to see next week...so..its been crazy...but...all of those who knew what was happening...i appreciate ur thoughts and prayers...i love you all.....God has shown me there's something in store for me..what it is i dunno yet but it must be big.